Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I guess that they are right, those lying snakes, with the blackness of their tongues.
A light to never emerge is a mistake a threat and bond.
But the coiled snakes are shivering in poison
and the rest are drawn in fire.
In the shadows are the prisoners.
And too the death we must fight to help them get away.
For the snakes we must steak our lives to defeat the lies and dirty words and then we save the day.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Old times

Koco sat criss-cross on my purple blankets that crinkled around her legs."So I saw you eyeballing  that boy!" she smiled showing her teeth, eyes making crows feet and widening them to a childlike size.
   "Who is he!" she sequels and I cover my ears.
  "Well he just moved in across the street," I looked up to see her exotic blue eyes light up to the news.  
   "Nothing like that Ko, I was just curious and anyway," I rambled as I took a nervous sip of my coco "You'd be the first to know if that happened."
  The next day I slowly walked up the hill form school slowing my feet when I turned a corner. There was that boy. "Oh!" I said surprised when I saw him. "hello, are you going to be going to school here next trimester?" I stood looking at my bright pink convers and shifting uncomfortable in my multi-colored peacoat. My scarf came undone on one side and I quickly replaced it. All this time his brown eyes on my face.
   "Well yes I am," the snow glittered in the background.I stuck out on purple gloved hand
   "I'm Kelly. Nice to meet you..." he took my small purple hand in his and shook it.
   "Johnathan. You can call me Johnny," I heard the high pitched laugh of Koco.
  "Nice to meet you, I hope to see you around school. If you need someone to help you around school just have the office call me up!" I waved back to him and took off up the hill.
    I jumped up to meet Koko and I gave her a huge hug. She laughed and hugged me back. "Lonnie this is my little sister Kelly. Kelly this is Lonnie he's my new boyfriend," My face scowled at the dark middle aged man. 
   "Hello Lonnie," I said trying to make my eyes into slits.
   "Hey Kelly, whats going on," he smiled but it was fake and I knew it. It looked forced upon his face and I realized that he loathed me. He probably hated me also because I wore many diffrent colors. His hair was black and his face was pale and he wore a long black trench coat, I couldn't see his feet.
    Days turned into months and months into years. I drifted form my sister and became best friends with Johnny. Me and my sister fought more and more. The worse was the last. "You just hate me! Ever since that day three years ago you changed!" I screamed through my tears "You found someone dark and ugly and you morphed into one of them!" I screeched trying to quit the silly wet tears that ran down my cheeks, they seemed to have a mid of their own.
   "No Kellrain I haven't, you have! You never talked to me, you never have anytime to do anything! You went straight to brat town! You hang out with that shady Jonny kid all the time. It's your fault mom died and you know it!" that was below the belt and my knees buckled under my weight. I was breech and she died half way through my birth. Koko never really ever told me that it was my fault, quite the opposite.
    I jumped to my feet and grabbed that same multi-colored coat off the rack, threw it to the ground in front of her and flung the door open. I raced out side and to fith street. I climbed up the torn latter of my old tree house that was never finished and curled up into a ball. I heard foot steps that followed quickly. It wasn't Koco it was Jonny. "Rain!" he cryed in relief "Rain where are your shoes and coat?" he sat me up wiped the tears off my cheek with his dark Indian hands "you know what, that doesn't matter," he pulled me into his lap, tucked his jacket around me and let me ruin his shirt.
    Now she looked so frail in the hospital bed skin yellow and tranclucent. I now bend my head to her ear and wisper "I'm sorry," take my bag and shoes and walk off with the multi-colored coat on the chair next to the flowers and cards. As I get into Jonny's car he stops pulls me into his lap and, just like when we were thirtteen, lets me ruin his shirt.

Goodbye Grandmother Christine

If I could take those words back and trade them in do you think I could do it?
Do you think I would have rode in the car with the women that had the short red hair?
Where are you now that I need you?
Are you in heaven with grandad?
Are you sleeping on a pillow made up of clouds?
Of course you could end up in hell.
But I won't think of you like that. And neither will big brother.
My heart aches with your absence and I can her your old voice cracking as you sing my lullaby.
I feel your cool touch as you caress my cheek to check for the fever.
I smell your husky sent of sandalwood and clover.
I feel you brushing back my blonde hair with the silver brush that you pulled through your own black mane.
I feel you slipping through my fingers and I see you last on the small couch curled up with me as a small child.
I cry out, you look up and smile with tears in your eyes and I hear you say those last words I will ever hear fall from your lips "I love you sweetheart, sleep tight"
And then I wake with all my goodbyes still left on my lips.


Through her eyes all she sees is pain and lies.
Each cut equals tears she's cried because of fears.
Every movement she makes is another pull of the puppeteer.
Bloody wooden hands piece together life and mend to pain.
Through her eyes she sees lies and another slice is what she bares.


I can feel the gun’s bang signal off the worst. That another life isn’t spared. I can feel the weight of the dead, mentally and physically, it weighs on me makes me do unthinkable things, unspeakable things. Her lifeless body sagging to the ground in a pile of unmoving mass, it’s painful and irreversible. I can’t remember when I’ve ever felt like this, but that’s a lie, I feel it every time a gun goes off, I feel it in the tremors of the explosions the painstaking screams that claw the walls of my nightmares. I remember the lips she used to kiss me with, the rose buds, soft and strong against mine, I never thought about it when I had her because she was always there. She never left me, she never let go of my hand. And now in the wake of a fired gun, she is gone and those lips will never feel the joy I felt when she kissed me when she was alive and laughing, I never knew until she was gone, just how much I would miss her. Just how much she really meant to me. She sits hunched over with her never opening green eyes that were always trained on me, reading my expressions. I loved her, my lover, my life, gone in a matter of seconds. In a bang of confusion. I scream and gather her corps in my arms, blood seeping through my fingers, inescapable sobs stuck in my throat as she slips away into a light that I will never see for a long time. Until the fateful day I do die. In those seconds of agony and pain, making a fire burn deep inside me, an unseen fire of hate. A gem, glistening and shimmering black and unholy. I vowed to never love a woman ever again.

Lost in Identity

So many people tell me that I’m crazy, I’m so sick of it. I am done with people yelling and screaming. Curses are at the top of my list, I hear them all the time I’m so sick of people judging and calling other people out on things. I have been called out, or judged for something I haven’t done. So today I am declaring that I am emancipated from all of that. Today I declare that you are no longer able to judge me, in anyway, shape or form. My name is Morgan Fae, and this is my story. After you finish reading, think about this. What would you do in my situation?
    From what I can tell the morning was still the morning. The sunshine filled the small room I was vacating, the ugly hotel curtains parted fully so that every last nook and cranny was filled with the baby sun. I looked around. My bag leaned against the wall over flowing with my clothing and essentials, the beige colored walls stared lifelessly at me and I stared back fully aware that I needed to change my look again. I grabbed my bag dragging out the dye, makeup, fake moles, contacts, fake freckles and other things out of a small bag wrapped in plastic. Leaning against the sink I pinched out the color contacts that left my eyes looking like their normal green with red-rimmed whites. The mirror stared back at me- well the me in the mirror looked back at me- I couldn’t remember what I looked like before I ran away. I remember my eyes and skin color, but my body shape, hair, birthmarks and other things; I could not. My name was Morgan Fae, but it could be anything now. Right now I was Katniss Gentry. I had been Ever Moisse, Alyson Noel, Mirissa Laurence. I was the girl who was a run-away, labeled as a freak, a mishap, I wasn’t supposed to live theses past months because I had gotten good at hiding my true identity. I was a lone wolf, and I was never going back.
    I scrubbed away the make up on my face ignoring the stinging of a minor cut on my left cheek. I let the water wash away all the past night. I looked at the shower; wanting to feel the hot water on my skin, too ease the months away. I looked around and peeked under the sink, Bleach sat there. I smiled. Hotels were so stupid, but hey! The stupid are meant to be taken advantage of. Otherwise, why else were they here? I cranked the tap and let the hot water steam into the glass-covered shower. I yanked the long brown wig off my head and threw it to the floor; it landed with a thud on a huge flower tile. My own short pixie cut hair flopped out, the blonde color shocking the boring colors all around me. I looked like me. I wasn’t bad looking; I had straight teeth and full lips. I was always the popular girl in my old school (not listed for fear of being ratted by one of you readers) always talked about, always envied. But that was before, and this is now. Stepping out of my clothes I stepped into the shower. Letting all the passed weeks slowly dissolve into a steam of memories and bad ideas, all the hard dirt and grime being washed away as well.
    After my well-deserved shower I stood wrapped in a towel with my new wig on a mannequin head and scissors bared between my fingers scrutinizing how I should cut it. I settled on a cute choppy cut with bangs and layers. All in all it was a good haircut, I looked cute with bangs; that’s something to remember. As for my clothing I decided on a skirt with a tee shirt that hung low almost to the end of my plaid skirt, and cute ballet flats.  Looked in the mirror. My face looked plain. I placed a spray of fake freckles over my nose and put in two bright green/gold eye contacts.

Friday, May 6, 2011

first time

A hill.
A hill is just a hill until you really look at it.
A hill is just a hill until you find all the little cracks and trash that have been smothered into the asphalt.
A doll is just a doll until you uncover the worn places where people touched the paint away.
If you look into a light you won't see anything untill you close your eyes.
Mascara is running down some starnger's cheeks still you never ask if their ok.
A girl is just a girl until you fianlly find her in a corner and look over the scrapes and bruises, and into her heart.
A boy is just a boy until you find him in a feild and dissmiss all of his wrong doings and really see them for the first time.


A covered up, sick, and truely ugly girl.
I pelt myself with rain from the untrue roumers.
I self disapline and try to mold myself into a beautiful person.
Pain just passes through like I'm a ghost in the halls.
A shot here and there does not penatrate through my skin.
A tight drawn string on a bag that never will open.
A recoiled statue of a snake.
Im a retired old soul.


This skin I'm in doesn't feel right.
I hate it.
My body is simple but has no filter in the brain.
I wish that some one would just take me away.
As the night dances slowly in place, the world around me never stays.
I'm yanked in and out of my place and never put back.
I'm used, abused, and thrown around.
I hate my body it's always violated, never kept sacred.
I miss the old days when I never had to see your face in my dreams.
I miss all the old people I used to see.
Now I'm in a nightmare that never ends.

Puppet Girl

Strings twisted,
bleeding wood.
Just puppet in there play.
I can’t come to life.
Broken down.
They’ve worn me away.
Day after day.
I feel nothing.
Without a voice,
without a choice.
I wait for the next scene.
For the start of there next play,
staring anyone but me.


     Maybe I was a little too mean, maybe I could have related to him. None of that mattered anymore anyway, the car was puttering in the drive-way and I was ready to leave. I checked the house once more, making sure I had packed everything. Plastic covers wrapped around the couch, a table, and the bed up stairs. Funny how you start at one place, make a bunch of memories and then leave them all behind in some sort of renovation. My fingers brushed against the wall, over the hand print in purple paint. The place where his hand fit so well, mine did not however, it was smaller then his had been, my fingers were dwarfed by the print. I remembered this night, a smile played along my lips as the scene played out in my mind.

     "Sarah! Get down here!" a deep rumble of laughter shivered through the house. I was locked in my room, curled up into the corner of my bed reading, The Shining. I had jumped at the sound of the laughter thinking it was the book and relaxed when I recognized who was laughing.

    "On my way!" I called, my feet touched the ground, it was cold and I flinched. "Jerith!" I had called, I heard your heavy boots on the stairs. Your sandy head flopped in the doorway and your smile spread over your lips, white teeth gleaming.

   "Floor too cold?" I nodded and you laughed, it vibrated in my head and you swung around so your back was to me. "Hop on," you laughed as I jumped on your back, and slipped my arms around your neck. You were warm and solid under me. We plotted down the stairs and I squealed with happy laughter as you jumped down them two by two, we were planning on painting the hall with my dad and uncle but you were too distracted. By me? You never did tell me. The sun was dipping down in the horizon, dad and uncle were out out on the wrap around porch drinking a beer. You set me down, toes first then the balls of my feet and finally my heels. We talked cheerily as the sun sank into his bed, waiting those last few minutes to let his sister moon polish her shine. Your eyes flicked over my tangle of golden curls and sea foam eyes, taking a soft finger and lifting a curl from my cheek you cupped my chin and looked at me. I blushed as I watched your eyes, clouds of silvery greys and flecks of blue. Those were eyes a girl could drown in and be lost forever, and I was being pulled in hard.

   "Ivy," you had whispered, a shiver had traveled through my body and left a tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers. I looked down, looking anywhere but your eyes because it seemed too irresistible and if I ruined it that it would be lost and never again found. Lost at the bottom of the ocean. "Ivy, look at me," you had whispered, peppermint breath touching my lips and warming my cheeks, I listened and you smiled faintly and leaned a hand on the wall tilting your head at just the right angle to catch my lips with yours. The kiss was long and gentle, not pressing and full of drunken stupidity like all my other kisses. This one felt right.

  The light had faded away and all that stood now were two teens who had pulled away from one another, cheeks flushed and soft panting. You looked up where your hand was just a moment before and started laughing. I was confused and turned standing next to you and started laughing too, you must have gotten paint on your hand because on the white wall was your purple hand, fit perfectly from every gently sloping curve to the long life line on your palm.

   Back in the present I traced the life line. Funny how life lets you down, glancing at my hand I traced the short life line and tears filled my eyes. Wishing for just that moment I could hold you again, that I could bear the pain of your death. But the truth was I couldn't and you were gone, everything hurt every last hole in my heart and emptiness in my stomach. Gone like a butterfly, here one moment and gone the next. I leaned my head onto the print and gave myself to the tears, letting them wash away the stinging in my eyes from holding them back for so long.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

In the Depths

In the depths of my mind, you are there; lurking never coming into the light. I see that you circle me like a hawk circles its prey. Your the space in my mind, the ugly truth waiting to be revealed. I recap the lid on your box, over, and over, repeating the same routine every time, but the sad thing is you never leave. I know that I used to believe in true love and that never came, so every time I hear the word love fly from your poisonous lips I run and hide away, deep in the blackness of my room. Sometimes I think that you will come to drag me out and whip me with your horrible words, but I forgot that you are gone and shall never haunt my dreams again.


I sometimes think that I'm going to be falling through a hole when I get back to my classes, the ones that drag on and on and on. I guess that summer is another one of those things where it's a distraction to see how much you forget your academics, but i don't do that. No, I study. I am the only one in my school who can get an A in anything, well not gym. But that's alright; I can stick it out one more year. Until then it's study, study, study. No wavering now, I'm on a roll. I'm the nerdy type of girl; hidden in the back who keeps her head ducked from the crowd. I can tell that people look at me and giggle, I know rumors are being spread. Yeah, so what, I'm a virgin, at least I'm not a whore who does the whole school on the dirty deed. But I'll be a good girl and be dismissive to them, I'll keep my head down and my grades up, no need to be backing out now.
                     Sun filtered into my room, the open window letting in the warm summer breeze. The breeze welcomed my sleepy head, it wrapped around me like a boyfriend's arms wrapped around your waist. I turned my head to it, letting the sweet smell of grass waft through the air smelling of cucumbers and vegetation. Summer was like a release, a way of telling me better days would come. Ones of warmth and beaches. Too bad most of it would be spent in the dark clouds of Portland, Oregon. But of course I didn't know about that yet. I wasn't supposed to. I got out of my bed and ran my fingers along the spines of all my old books, they greeted me with a sigh (imaginative of course) of welcoming, recognizing the touch of a well known reader.